As a parent, you don’t see it coming. It’s the day you finally start going to bed before your kids. I’m a morning person, and sleep is also one of my highest personal priorities. I rarely choose to stay up past 9:30pm. So, as a parent of three teens who are close in age, I now often go to bed before two of my kids. My husband does too. I know that my mood and performance the following day are dependent on the quality of my sleep, therefore maximizing my total number hours in bed benefits me, and in turn, it benefits others. I value my bedtime routine, and as an early bird, I often took pleasure in my kids’ bedtime routine as well.

(Note: I recognize that every family and every child is built differently, so I’ll speak heavily from my personal perspective for this card.)

When they were young, I imposed my personal bedtime on them.

As the default parent from birth to at least age 7, I chose to lead with my preferences when it came to the bedtime routine. During these years I was a stay-at-home mother, a term I’ve now heard translated to an ‘unpaid, working mother.’ I took my own energy levels into consideration when parenting, so I designed an afternoon and evening routine that worked well for me as well as my kids. My primary belief was that they’d follow my lead; and as long as my lead was clearly communicated, loving, and consistent, they’d adapt to my daily schedule.

Since I wanted to be in bed no later than 9:30pm, that meant parenting ended by 9pm. When planning my schedule, I often work backwards from my desired result (in this case, my bedtime). Therefore, dinner was as early as possible, around 6:30 or 7pm, so that our bedtime routine would begin no later than 8pm. Several times throughout the evening I’d tell my kiddos the order of operations, or what the next two steps would be, so they’d internalize that there was always a plan. Oftentimes, I’d explicitly say, “Alright, the day is done.”

Predictability is rewarding.

Kids thrive when they know what’s next. It helps ground them in space and in time. It helps them feel safe and secure. When there’s a plan, there are less decisions to be made. This is where the mental load falls on the supervising adult. Defining, testing out, and revising a routine that works for your family takes effort. Remembering what works and what doesn’t then explicitly sharing that predictable plan with your partner, babysitter, or other caring adult is the invisible labor of this care task.

For us, after dinner, one child would head to the bathroom to brush teeth. I’d often support this process, especially the flossing. The other two kids would be tasked with selecting a book and putting on their pajamas (if they weren’t already on from an earlier bath). I’d call the next kid to the bathroom to brush teeth and so on. The only other acceptable tasks they could engage in at this time were clearing their floor of toys, playing quietly in their room with a few items, or reading a book. Both the noise level and energy levels were expected to come down.

Each bedroom had a lamp and a clock radio, so I’d turn off the overhead lights and turn on the local classical / jazz station for background noise. Both their environment and the process indicated that the day was done. It was a way of calming both my nervous system and theirs. We’d read for about a half hour as a pile of four together, or two kids would pair up while I read to the other. This was the routine that was a delight.

Yet, just because you have a plan doesn’t mean it always goes off without disruption.

Young Black girl with curly hair pulled up in a ponytail laying on her back with eye mask lifted up grinning sneakily.

Get used to expecting the unexpected.

The Bedtime Routine Fair Play card is classified as a daily grind within the Caregiving suit. Some nights I’d enjoy executing the step-by-step process I’d outlined for my kids, and some nights I was at my wits end. I couldn’t get through it fast enough. Raising humans is hard, and there are so many potential disruptions to the nightly bedtime routine that for you, even the word ‘routine’ may seem laughable.

One friend shared that her toddler had so much energy at the end of the night that she’d allow him to bounce himself wild in his crib until he fell straight to sleep. One moment bouncing, the next asleep - no transition at all. My son would occasionally fall asleep in the hallway or on his floor while playing. On other days their dad would walk in from work right as the energy would be settling, only to get boosted back up again.

Then there are the delay tactics: getting up for water, getting up to peek in to see if we were awake, getting up to play on the floor with the lights out, over-exhausted silliness that got on everyone’s nerves, reading under the covers with a flashlight… the options were endless. My response was always the same, “back to bed,” or no words at all, just direct body language of what was expected. Over and over and over. This was the routine that was a disaster.

Having a bedtime routine doesn’t equal 100% consistent results. It’s rolling the dice for “delight or disaster” most days. When you’re in it, it’s easy to forget that the kids are growing. Once I accepted how unpredictable holding the Bedtime Routine card could be, the easier it was to navigate.

In my mind I’d shift to the reward of making it through another day with my beautiful crew, and then tuck myself in bed to absorb every available minute of sleep for myself. Then, I blinked, and now they’re the ones to tuck me in.

As a “daily grind” card, Bedtime Routine can and should be swapped every so often with your partner, sitter, and other responsible adults. It encourages the kids to adapt to change and rely on themselves to sleep soundly. It also gives you a break and a chance to wind down on your own schedule.

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